eyeofthetiger | Haven: IC Contact Post

Hi, Dean. It's Pepper. I just wanted to confirm our - [ She pauses. ] - well, not-date. You said Thursday, right? Let me know.

[ awww... and she even used a phone the proper way. If she's not careful, he may just fall in love. ]

And here I thought you'd almost forget. Would you rather go earlier in the day or later? Either way, we should be back by dark. [ yeah... not even for Pepper is he gonna risk suffocation. It just ain't worth it. ]

I wouldn't forget. [ Because it's her job to remember things like this. ] Whatever works best for you is fine. But maybe earlier would be better.

Good. Maybe we can grab some lunch then on the way. I can't promise much, but at least it'll probably be better then nothing.

[ probably ]

I don't mind. As long as you remember this isn't a date.

We'll break even and call it a picnic. That should do the trick, right?

Okay. [ She's still a liiiittle reluctant, but. ] Where should I meet you?

[ hands to himself, scouts honor.

Unless she squeals. Then all bets are off. ] Meet in the lobby? Might was well walk the whole way to the tunnel rather just meet each other up right there.

I can do that. I'll see you then.

Yep. You can bet I'll be waiting for you. [ with a basket in tow. Sort of. It's really just a duffel bag filled with goodies just in case they get attacked along the way. But hey, at least he shaved. ]

[ Attempt one of many. He simply dials, listens to the message, and hangs up just as quickly. ]

[ Attempt two of...well. Castiel isn't counting how many times he's put in the number, how many times he's heard the voice direct him and how his finger hovers over the (1) before he decides to end the call. This time, however, it catches his breathing and records him fumbling around in an effort to stop it altogether. He manages thirty seconds later. ]

[ Attempt ?? of ??. His voice is perfectly calm. ]

We should talk.

[ after the umpteenth time of his phone giving him the equivalent of a quick and dirty feel in the middle of a shopping mall, Dean's in no mood for the foreplay. ]

Oh, really? Because from my end it seemed like you were just making up for lost time and pranking the hell out of me. So what do you want?

[ He actually hadn't meant it like that, but Castiel assumes Dean would not see it that way even if he tried to correct him. He'd said as much anyhow, which is a good indication he's annoyed or something more. Despite his insecure attempts to leave a message, it takes him a good deal of time to respond in kind.

His words are far less composed now, stretched thin and (of course) vague. ]

I need you.

[ and in that brief instance of silence, of shuffling feet and rubbing at his jaw, wondering if he'd gone too far, Dean nearly lost his shit. ]

You need me?

[ he didn't believe it for a second. If he were honest, he couldn't. Not with the way he was now. ]

For what? I ain't doing your laundry.

This is serious. [ Except he stumbles over his word at the end and chokes on it a little. ] I, uh... I feel strange.

[ Hope Dean enjoys all those tones from him accidentally hitting the buttons and hanging up. He doesn't call back. ]

You feel strange ---

[ oh gdi, Cas. Learn to use a phone! Dialing back the number, Dean waits impatiently for the damn phone to ring. And as soon as Cas picks up, Dean starts talking. ]

Look Cas. Hang-up on me one more time and you can kiss whatever help you want goodbye. You got that? Now tell me what do mean, you feel strange? And don't go jerking my chain!

[ There's no apology for it because he has none to give. If only he could see how low he's crawled, leaning back against the well with the phone on the edge of it because he doesn't trust himself with it. His hands are actually shaking a little. ]

I'm out, Dean. [ He bows his head to muffle the laugh that shakes his shoulders. The anxiety is building in his chest. ] There's nothing left, and I think it's pointless to pretend anymore.

[ He forgets to mention the slight hysteria as well. ]

[ Dean holds still, not because he's afraid of breaking the fragile tension, that brief moment of trust, but rather because he's furrowing his brow and trying to remember back those many months before when hell was on earth and hope was a dream best left forgotten.

And then it clicked. ]

You're withdrawing, aren't you? [ he swore ] Look, I can't exactly help you, Cas, but I'll do what I can. And for starters, you can tell me exactly where you are. [ because after dealing with Sam, he knew this wasn't gonna be pretty. He's seen men die for less and there wasn't no iron clad room to shove Cas into until it cleared.

It was just Dean, the moon, and one heck of a lot of rock. That didn't exactly spell confidence. ]

[ Of course there's no help for him, no hope. Dean's voice hardly placates the tight feeling in his chest; in fact, it increases drastically after a moment or two. Castiel breathes hard and pulls his knees toward him, forehead resting against them as he tries to sort out his thoughts.

There are a million things he wishes to say, choked on them as if he's back in Chitaqua and stuffed away in that cabin like a dirty secret. The angel who'd become a failure by straying too far off the path. Mortal. Life is so fragile like this, hovering between uncertainties. He wavers, considering what the repercussions would be if he shoved the phone over the side and refused to answer.

Castiel feels sick for it and much more. ] The well.

Right. Well, stay there.

[ And he's off and moving and wondering how the heck he'd missed the signs. After seeing the crazy things Sam had gone through, he should've guessed. He should've known. But there wasn't much time for self-berating, that tiniest kernel of guilt for being so wrapped up in his own problems growing within him, because he's there and crouching and rubbing at his jaw and cursing himself for not taking the time to shave. ]

Well, you certainly do look like shit. You think you can walk?

[ There's nothing to miss. Castiel knows of how little import his presence is here, how each second is life slipping through his fingers, and he's accustomed himself to it accordingly. Dean is only a very sharp reminder of that, and a painful one no less. The sound of his voice is jarring, ringing in his ears as he swallows and lifts his head in some attempt to offer the other man eye contact. His vision is blurry, and he feels exactly how he looks. It's wonderful to be mortal, he reminds himself. ]

Thank you. [ The words are breathy, laughable. In fact, his shoulders might be shaking from the pent-up sounds threatening to fall out. Seconds, and he'll be giggling next. ] I'm sure I can manage that.

[ But he doesn't. In fact, trying to move is too much of a chore, and Castiel lurches forward when he leans to stand, balance utterly off so that he's falling instead. ]

[ he reaches down, quick to catch and explicating under his breath as he haul's Cas upright, careful to hold as much weight as Cas'll let him. ]

Right, like I'm ever gonna believe that again.

[ but the worry is there and after a quick shift of weight, he's pocketing Cas' phone along with his own. ]

All right, let's get you moving and cleaned-up, huh? You might not like it, but I'll feel a heck of a lot better knowing you don't stink up the room each time you decide to roll over.

[ mmhmm, that's one invitation to a rare act indeed. Dean's offering to wash you up andkeep watch over you all through the night. You better damn well appreciate this! ]

[ He's not used to such kindness. Years have drilled it out of him, to expect the underlying tones in Dean's voice and the expressions he allows in silence but nothing more than that. Castiel flinches beneath the initial touch, apology in the look he gives him before the dizziness sets in and he must shut his eyes instead.

How useless he is now, having fallen so far. He mumbles the only thing he can think of in his mess of thought, no inherited sarcasm or disdain or annoyance in them. ]

I don't deserve this. [ And yet, he clutches tight to him regardless. ] Whatever you think you may owe me, it doesn't hold true anymore.

[ Dean rolled his eyes and hauled Cas' ass a step or two, careful not to trip over his own damn feet. ]

Yeah, and I never said I owed you anything, either. Regardless of if you're a useless hippie or not, you're still Cas. Ain't no one and nothing can change that.

[ He thinks he can argue the semantics of that idea all day, whether or not he is who Dean assumes him to be, but Castiel is far too conflicted, too ill to give it his full attention. If Dean's not careful, he might lose the shirt he's wearing. ]

Thanks. [ He hangs his head and remains quiet, reluctantly accepting the help. ]

[ then he'll lose a shirt. Ain't like he's never had to hand wash an outfit in the sink before. Of course, there is the tiny matter of the smell, but Dean can deal.

However, he does snort as he eases Cas another foot or two in the direction of the complex, gauging the distance and wether it'd be better to just hole up in the first empty room he found or dare the stares. Honestly, about the best thing for him was a bed and some water and a bucket or four. ]

Save the thanks for after we get you clean. [ he shook his head ] Why the heck you'd even get on those pills anyway?

[ that he could blame Cas with how the world kind of went to hell in a handbasket. And older!Dean wasn't exactly a picnic in the park either. ]

I already told you. [ He doesn't sound as angry as he does defeated, forcing his legs to cooperate so their trip isn't slowed by his uselessness. Castiel fights the nausea long enough to look at him, try to understand what it is Dean must see in him now because he surely sees nothing. Nothing but the remains of something better, something greater than this.

They reach the door, and he rests his hand against it for more support. ]

Besides, you were far too busy to notice. What did it matter what I chose to do with my body, Dean? [ He mumbles the rest like a confession, abruptly feeling disconnected. ] It was the only good thing I had left.

[ Some people think hell is just a lot of chains and whips and having your skin flayed off you while you scream, but it was never that. It was the guilt and the dread and the tight coiling in your stomach as you waited and waited and waited for that poker to descend, for the air to leave your body and the sweet oblivion that was just out of reach that meant death and at least a few hours of rest. He knew it all so well and yet, despite that, he felt like he was living in a personal hell far worse then anything Alastair had thrown at him.

Guilt because he should've noticed, should've cared what was happening to the angel that had chosen to be a man rather then dessert Earth forever. That other Dean was the one at fault for this, not him. And the worst guilt of it all, was that it'd be so dang easy to let it happen all over again.

Tightening his grip on Cas' shirt, he hauled him another step forward and through the door of the complex, kicking it shut behind him. ] Yeah, well. Think of this as my next best chance to make it up to you before I turn into a dick. You've gotta give me at least that much I think.

[ Perhaps blaming someone might have made it easier. He could have learned to manage the regret and sorrow better, but Castiel finds no comfort in the destruction of others. While he had hoped for better things, sometimes prayed alone in the dark, he had done this to himself. He'd voluntarily cast his grace aside to follow a man he believed worth saving, a man he respected and called brother. He would never ask for it to be any different than that. ]

I would give you everything. [ He's not positive as to whether or not he's said it until the world stops spinning, and he shoves at him to release him, so sick, sick, sick he reaches out to the wall for support. His body is rejecting what it's never really needed, the taste of bile bitter and unpleasant. ] But it isn't supposed to work that way.

[ His smile is false bravado, and he crouches, hands over his head to suck in air and calm the ache crawling in his stomach. ]

[ Dean stands over Cas, helpless at knowing what to do to help. If it was his choice, he'd just turn back the clock and change everything. There'd be no apocalypse or a reason to save him from the pit of Hell. Cas would still be living obliviously looking over the world and the people in it.

He'd be one heck of a lot happier, Dean thinks. But... He knelt down next to Cas, not touching but staying there. ] Yeah, well. We were always pretty bad at following the rules. I'd say it's about time you learned how to break a few more, don't you?

[ it's lame, but when it's a choice of wallowing or sucking it up and fighting through it, well... No one ever said it was easy. ]

Dean? [ It might sound a bit like static at first, but her voice comes through loud and clear a second later. ] Are you there? It's Pepper. Please tell me you're okay.

[ he doesn't even waste a second as he picks up the phone, answering as quickly and distinctly as he could. ]

Of course I'm here. The better question is where are you? [ because, you know, you've been missing. ]

In the apartment. [ It's so good to hear his voice, she doesn't realize how close to tears she sounds. ] I don't know what's going on.

[ he spun, doing an about face as he strode off just about as quickly as he could back towards the complex. ]

Right, I'll be right there. And if you haven't let your boyfriend know you're back, you might want to consider it. Meanwhile, just calm down and tell me the last thing you remember.

[ Because Dean doesn't exactly want to get into any more trouble then he already is. He rather likes his skin intact. ]

[ Pepper takes a breath and tries to do as he asks, focusing on anything else that might distract her. The phone is pressed close, listening to the things she hears on the other end. ]

He knows I'm here. I didn't know if anyone would still be here, or if I would come back. I was worried-- [ She bites her lip. ] I'll tell you when I see you. But it really doesn't make any sense.

[ he's afraid and he hates it and he walks just a little bit faster, throwing open the door to the complex and letting it slam shut behind him. ]

Good, I'd hate to get into trouble just because I was helping out a friend in need. And just give me a sec, huh? I'm almost there.

[ and he's running up those steps, taking them two at a time with the ease of practice before he's knocking on her door, sweating a little and feeling just this side of short on breath. Was he worried? Of course. Because he doesn't trust a damn thing these bastards are doing. And that went without question. ]

[ She will give him all the time he needs, but once there's that knock, she's opening the door to look at him. Pepper's smile wavers, eyes a bit red from trying not to cry, and there's no hesitation to wrap her arms around his neck, pull herself close. Clinging. ]

I'm glad you're still here.

[ he's all surprise and hesitating arms before he finally pats her back awkwardly. ]

Uh... of course I haven't gone anywhere. I'm just about the toughest guy to kill you know. [ mostly because he just can't seem to get the knack of staying dead. But hey, whatever reassurances he can give her. He never did like crying women. ]

[ There's a moment that simply hangs there after he pats her, and maybe that wasn't very appropriate of her. She draws back, offering the slightest smile in apology. ]

I'm sorry. I just thought... [ A shake of her head. ] Is everything okay?

[ he immediately cuts her off ] Nope, no apologies. If I can help, I already said I would.

Now what's the problem here?

[ he raised an eyebrow, clearly wondering what was going on as he shifted to get more fully inside the room. ]

You didn't actually think I was gone did you? [ especially since Pepper was the one who'd left, not Dean ]

Haven: IC Contact Post

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