eyeofthetiger | Haven: IC Contact Post

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[ the female robotic tones of an automated message turns on ]

We're sorry, the number you have dialed is currently unavailable. To leave a message, please press (1). If you would like to redial, please hang up and try the number again.

Beeeeeeep

[ someone hasn't changed the default message yet. Oh well. Later dudes! ]

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[ he reaches down, quick to catch and explicating under his breath as he haul's Cas upright, careful to hold as much weight as Cas'll let him. ]

Right, like I'm ever gonna believe that again.

[ but the worry is there and after a quick shift of weight, he's pocketing Cas' phone along with his own. ]

All right, let's get you moving and cleaned-up, huh? You might not like it, but I'll feel a heck of a lot better knowing you don't stink up the room each time you decide to roll over.

[ mmhmm, that's one invitation to a rare act indeed. Dean's offering to wash you up andkeep watch over you all through the night. You better damn well appreciate this! ]

[ He's not used to such kindness. Years have drilled it out of him, to expect the underlying tones in Dean's voice and the expressions he allows in silence but nothing more than that. Castiel flinches beneath the initial touch, apology in the look he gives him before the dizziness sets in and he must shut his eyes instead.

How useless he is now, having fallen so far. He mumbles the only thing he can think of in his mess of thought, no inherited sarcasm or disdain or annoyance in them. ]

I don't deserve this. [ And yet, he clutches tight to him regardless. ] Whatever you think you may owe me, it doesn't hold true anymore.

[ Dean rolled his eyes and hauled Cas' ass a step or two, careful not to trip over his own damn feet. ]

Yeah, and I never said I owed you anything, either. Regardless of if you're a useless hippie or not, you're still Cas. Ain't no one and nothing can change that.

[ He thinks he can argue the semantics of that idea all day, whether or not he is who Dean assumes him to be, but Castiel is far too conflicted, too ill to give it his full attention. If Dean's not careful, he might lose the shirt he's wearing. ]

Thanks. [ He hangs his head and remains quiet, reluctantly accepting the help. ]

[ then he'll lose a shirt. Ain't like he's never had to hand wash an outfit in the sink before. Of course, there is the tiny matter of the smell, but Dean can deal.

However, he does snort as he eases Cas another foot or two in the direction of the complex, gauging the distance and wether it'd be better to just hole up in the first empty room he found or dare the stares. Honestly, about the best thing for him was a bed and some water and a bucket or four. ]

Save the thanks for after we get you clean. [ he shook his head ] Why the heck you'd even get on those pills anyway?

[ that he could blame Cas with how the world kind of went to hell in a handbasket. And older!Dean wasn't exactly a picnic in the park either. ]

I already told you. [ He doesn't sound as angry as he does defeated, forcing his legs to cooperate so their trip isn't slowed by his uselessness. Castiel fights the nausea long enough to look at him, try to understand what it is Dean must see in him now because he surely sees nothing. Nothing but the remains of something better, something greater than this.

They reach the door, and he rests his hand against it for more support. ]

Besides, you were far too busy to notice. What did it matter what I chose to do with my body, Dean? [ He mumbles the rest like a confession, abruptly feeling disconnected. ] It was the only good thing I had left.

[ Some people think hell is just a lot of chains and whips and having your skin flayed off you while you scream, but it was never that. It was the guilt and the dread and the tight coiling in your stomach as you waited and waited and waited for that poker to descend, for the air to leave your body and the sweet oblivion that was just out of reach that meant death and at least a few hours of rest. He knew it all so well and yet, despite that, he felt like he was living in a personal hell far worse then anything Alastair had thrown at him.

Guilt because he should've noticed, should've cared what was happening to the angel that had chosen to be a man rather then dessert Earth forever. That other Dean was the one at fault for this, not him. And the worst guilt of it all, was that it'd be so dang easy to let it happen all over again.

Tightening his grip on Cas' shirt, he hauled him another step forward and through the door of the complex, kicking it shut behind him. ] Yeah, well. Think of this as my next best chance to make it up to you before I turn into a dick. You've gotta give me at least that much I think.

[ Perhaps blaming someone might have made it easier. He could have learned to manage the regret and sorrow better, but Castiel finds no comfort in the destruction of others. While he had hoped for better things, sometimes prayed alone in the dark, he had done this to himself. He'd voluntarily cast his grace aside to follow a man he believed worth saving, a man he respected and called brother. He would never ask for it to be any different than that. ]

I would give you everything. [ He's not positive as to whether or not he's said it until the world stops spinning, and he shoves at him to release him, so sick, sick, sick he reaches out to the wall for support. His body is rejecting what it's never really needed, the taste of bile bitter and unpleasant. ] But it isn't supposed to work that way.

[ His smile is false bravado, and he crouches, hands over his head to suck in air and calm the ache crawling in his stomach. ]

[ Dean stands over Cas, helpless at knowing what to do to help. If it was his choice, he'd just turn back the clock and change everything. There'd be no apocalypse or a reason to save him from the pit of Hell. Cas would still be living obliviously looking over the world and the people in it.

He'd be one heck of a lot happier, Dean thinks. But... He knelt down next to Cas, not touching but staying there. ] Yeah, well. We were always pretty bad at following the rules. I'd say it's about time you learned how to break a few more, don't you?

[ it's lame, but when it's a choice of wallowing or sucking it up and fighting through it, well... No one ever said it was easy. ]

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